"No coward soul is mine."- Emily Bronte
I have not written on here for awhile. I've felt very compelled to write over the course of the past few weeks, but my brain has been sucked into the abyss of my apathy as of late.
Because my circumstances have basically been the same for the past couple of years (I believe my last big life change was returning to my job at the pharmacy over 2 years ago), I've had to learn to become comfortable in the thoughts and feelings that are normally not apparent during the midst of a happy life transition or milestone. I've had to choke on the reality of my own "being"and on the realizations of the absence of God within it.
Even as I type this, my pride refuses to acknowledge the true weight of it. I flinch at wanting to go deeper. I hesitate to become "poorer" or "meeker". I've been "fine" with coasting. If I can't get my idealizations to become reality, I least get to keep my comfort. I've been the spoiled teenager as of late, and that's not who I truly want to be.
This post has no conclusion or really much substance. I was just in need of doing a little reflecting/unpacking/confessing of all of this baggage. I am trying. I hope to write more as it unfolds.
This scripture spoke to me today, and I believe it has to be my starting point:
"In Him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it."
Reaching for that light today. I pray it finds you too.