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Friday, August 26, 2016

Worlds at War

Friday, August 26, 2016
There are two parts of me that seem to be constantly at war. They both are technically fine standing alone but the trouble comes when I try to fit them both into a pretty little box where they just don't get along.
Let's define these worlds straight away for what they are- one is the materialistic, secure world and the other is throw all caution to the wind, live on little and see what happens world. As you can tell already by the descriptions, they are quite the irreconcilable couple.
Both are utopias all on their own, but I am afraid I shall be unhappy if I am forced  to choose one over the other. I see the good and bad in both and I am not confident enough in my own heart's wants/needs to abandon one over the other.
If I was born silver spoon in hand, or maybe married to one who was, then I would live in the first world. I wouldn't be working at my current job, I would be pursing success in art because I would already have security. And I would of course want all of the materialistic things that Instagram says you should have, if you are truly, indeed an artist- a uniquely decorated and perfectly in order home and clothes that I say I am confident in who I am. Well, I can say with most certainty, I have none of the above.
Even though I do not live in the first world, most of my thoughts get caught up in schemes that could one day get me there. I have such a hard time living and being content in the moment and I think that is where everything goes wrong.
While I don't think there is not much wrong with having nice things if it's well within your means and doesn't consume your soul, the other world inside of me thinks that is all pretty petty and would love to live without much of those things. What freedom there would be to not caring? To focusing my mind on bigger things- truly being present with other people and maybe even tackling the great books?
Ryan and I constantly talk about how a sense of adventure is missing from our lives. Honestly, I feel like even if we were given a chance in the first world, that void would still be in our hearts. I think we are simply missing out on something worth fighting for.
I think of all of the great stories that he and I are always drawn to in books and on the big screen. What happened to the community of Gilmore Girls? Or finding the humor in order to put up with all of the different personalities of The Office? Or defying class standards and following your moral compass like Ross Poldark?...Or even more pressing, banning together and fighting "the evil one" and saving lives like Harry Potter and the whole Order of the Phoenix?
I just don't want to miss out on actual living anymore. I hope I can live more in the second world, while welcoming a little of the first if it so happens to join me on the journey.


  1. what harry potter taught me is that life is lived in the small comments. I used to feel the way you did, but...something changed. Not that you need to change, but little lives, like hobbits and boys who live, can change the world too. And little tiny lives that never go outside neighborhoods or states can also change lives...those who are they are around. Little people are important. I'll never be a celebrity or meet the president but I can raise a son who loves to give and who hopefully has a kind heart. And that's enough for me.