Working against the blues



Hmmm...This past week as been interesting, to say the least. Ryan broke his big toe (a youth group kid tried to trip him while playing soccer and instead hit him dead on the toe). It's been rather emotional watching my once very active husband now wobble around in a big boot and having to try to hold himself up with crutches. This will be the next two months of our lives. At minimum. Then the doctor will re-access to see if he will need surgery. The doctor said that it broke in a curve and doesn't even know how he will put a pin in it...? Despite the fear that he might not be able to really run and play sports again if this thing doesn't heal properly, he has been the biggest trooper. We have stuck around the house a little more, and it has been a great change of pace for me. We were still able to have a little fun this weekend- going out for two movies- The Jungle Book and Huntsmen (both were EPIC) and went to the fairgrounds to fly his new drone.



(he is leaning against his car instead of using his crutches, I am trying to keep him healing, even though he can be pretty stubborn at times ;) )

Today has been my day off from work and I really needed it to turn my mood around. I've been really struggling with loneliness here lately, on top of my always looming feeling that I just generally lack/fail at life haha. It's not that I'm lonely in the typical sense. Just a frustration that outside of my husband and maybe a few others, I have a hard time connecting with people. I constantly feel like an outsider looking in and lately all of my social interactions with people at work/ministry/etc have been exhausting. I feel like I'm either not meeting people's expectations, or just not making a connection with others in general. I'm deeply appreciative though of having a husband who does get me and accepts me. I may have to completely take care of his physical wounds right now, but he does an even better job of taking care of my emotional. I also have some (irrational-I know) fears and anxieties that popped in for a visit this past weekend. I guess what is most frustrating is everything kind of just slows down when I get in these moods. My thoughts physically tire me. Then I can't do anything creative (which breaths life to my bones) and it just carries me further down that blue river. Sleep is my coping mechanism. Thankfully, Ryan knows how to tell between my actual need for a nap and my naps of escape so he tries to encourage me when I want to curl up in the blankets and forget about it. I don't always have self control in this area, but I'm getting better.

You are probably thinking why isn't this girl on medication? haha. I'm not against medication. But I truly believe, at least in my case, that the depression is there for a reason. Not that I am trying to make myself needlessly suffer or try to be some sort of "strong" person. I feel like depression kind of functions like the physical pain in your body. Physical pain is an indicator that something is wrong and needs to be fixed. If we didn't experience pain then we could do all sorts of damage without ever realizing until it is too late. I feel like depression can work in the same way. Something is wired wrong. -A thinking pattern that has gotten out of control; maybe an underlying feeling towards someone/something that you never knew was there. Depression has been a time of exploring what's actually going on: my feelings towards people or things; things that I take part in that contribute to wrong thought patterns (for example, Instagram and most recently all social media) And most importantly, it has been that sort of "thorn in the flesh" that has made me constantly rely and trust in God. Part of my depression can also stem from insecurities which stems from the fact that I'm a highly sensitive person. Highly sensitive people can be viewed negatively, but that's also what makes them strong empaths and some of the most caring people to walk the earth. If I were to take pills, I might be throwing out the baby with bath water. I know antidepressants are absolutely needed in some cases, and all I can speak to is my own depression, but this is the path that I have chosen for myself.

I have learned to deal in healthier ways. Just sometimes, life gets busy and it's hard to take that time out that you need in order to be refreshed and ready to face things head on. I've very gratefully had the chance to do just that today. I took the dog out on a long walk while listening to a special playlist curated by a dear friend (thanks, Michelle, for the fact that we can share this love!). I visited my dad in his clock shop. Came back and did my devotions in the chair by the window. The sun poured in while the pups snuggled up. I also had the chance to watch my class on watercolors, which I hope to incorporate into my graphic designs. Speaking of, I'm really starting to see vision in all of this pursuit. I'm getting ideas on different graphics/art prints and I hope to start an Etsy shop soon. I never thought I would be one to start an Etsy shop but things just keep falling in line and they feel more natural than forced. Only problem is I'm not learning the software and art techniques fast enough to keep up with all of my ideas. But I know it will all come together in time. My excited heart would love to open up a shop before summer. If there is one thing that I have learned in the past couple of years is my hands can't quite keep up with my heart. I've learned to not be so frustrated by that (but only very recently lol). Life doesn't seem to go as picture perfect or smoothly as Instagram claims it to be, but the struggles/setbacks are what make the victories all the more tangible. I'm learning that my own expectations can be rather unrealistic but the soul has it's own pace and it's best if you give up the wheel and just be along for the ride <3









5 comments:

  1. I love you, Jo! If you ever have another lonely day when you're off work, let me know and G and I would LOVE to come hang with you and chat about everything. I'm only an hour away and here for you ALWAYS.

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    1. Also, I hope Ryan heals quickly! What a bummer. Poor guy :(

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    2. I love you, Michelle! I value our friendship more than you could ever know! Thanks for always encouraging me, it means so much! Give G baby a big kiss from me!!

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  2. I love your thoughts on yourself and your depression. It's very honest and even though I don't personally suffer from depression I think I can appreciate what you mean.

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