Two BIG things that I realized this past week:
1) I am the Queen of Fear. Madame Insecurity. I will back down. Excuses are always at the ready. Rationalizing is my favorite coping mechanism.
2) One of my heart's greatest desires.
For many years I have needed a breakthrough. Feeling like some purpose was missing, some part of me incomplete. I wrestled with God. I wallowed in frustration. I ate my fair share of sorrow (Literally. Where did those 15lbs come from?haha).
I did some digging, searching in this dry soul. The same way I have done practically every day of my life for the past several years. But somehow, a couple of days ago, I struck oil. Black gold.
In order to recover that black gold, I had to strike fear. And it only took one quick blow from the shovel of raw and utter honesty with myself.
It seems so weird, gazing back upon my college years, and more specifically the past 3 years. I have always been in search of some "career", some sort of sharp "focus". But really, I've just been wondering around all this time in search of myself. No job or career can make you whole, or give your life complete and total meaning, only God can do that. I think that's part of the realization I had to come to-all those years of taking a toothbrush to dirt and scrubbing away layer by layer, mm by mm. It isn't about me. Or how I can become better. But living freely in the way that God created me to be. Flaws and all.
I know I have mentioned here before about my deep desire to become an artist. I just didn't "know" what kind of artist, mainly because I really couldn't allow myself to be that vulnerable. A flame was ignited three short years ago when I went to my first quilting class (which, may I add, I didn't want to go to because I thought quilting was for grannies but I was doing it because my mother asked me to go with her). But let me start out with a little history, even before all of that. The last art class that I had taken in school was in 7th grade. I wanted straight, solid A's. My art teacher gave me an A-, so I didn't elect to take art in 8th grade because I didn't want to contend with a teacher that didn't like me and was keeping me from getting the grades. -Fear example, number 1.-That was also the same year that I saw The Nutcracker and fell in love with ballet and took three measly classes before tripping over my two left feet right out the classroom door (I still completely adore ballet and I raise my Coke to all of the professionals out there).
In high school, I played flute and piccolo in band. I always had to be first chair once I got in that coveted position and I couldn't take "the pressure" and the 2nd chair person always bullying me. So I dropped out. I then took private lessons with a flute professor almost an hour away, every Saturday. She wanted me to practice 5 hours a day. Even though I probably wasn't practicing for 5 hours, I still practiced A LOT but felt I was only getting worse. I said screwed that, and left. The one creative thing that I stuck with was sewing in 4-H. And probably the only reason that I stuck with that is because hardly anyone took sewing projects and I was able to get first place every year in my category. Looking back, perfectionism and competition ruled and ruined my life. Because of that, I never once saw myself as creative or artistic and so I always stuck with my safe zone, academics.
Since taking that quilting class back in 2013, I've seen my life turn a complete 180. Science ruled my heart and I thought I would always end up working in a lab. Actually, in 2013, I was working in a lab, and it was the closest I've ever been to hell and my quilting/crafting projects were probably the only thing that kept my sanity in tact.
Ever since that quilting class, I've been eager to learn and create MORE. Art became this whole new world to me, something that melted my heart with each experience. And although, the quilting, knitting, garment sewing, etc always spoke to my [more developed] technical side, I am uncovering this desire to DESIGN.
I feel completely foolish in admitting that. There's me, this girl who hasn't really picked up a drawing pencil since 7th grade. And then there's me, this girl, that in her deepest seeded uninhibited dream world wishes to design fabric and sewing patterns and to be able to create fine art.
I feel like a morbidly obese person walking into a gym for the first time.
Just thinking about sitting down to my sketchpad and pencils makes my heart race and palms sweaty. I feel rather raw and torn up every time I think about it. A good old fashioned, I may actually puke at any moment feeling.
Yet, I've been making myself sit at my dining room table every night, while my heart and brain duke it out.
I just started watching a Skillshare class by a fabric designer and in her intro she was talking about being a graphic designer and how something just felt missing in her life. She then took a creative sabbatical to Berlin for 3 months, where she just drew things and thought. Then she came back home knowing that she just had to be a Surface Pattern Designer. It is no joke when I admit that I was crying by the end of her story. And no I'm not going through any hormonal changes right now, I just have so much desire for this, I don't care how deep over my head I am actually in. I know that because I really have no experience with sketching, painting, or design, that it will be a very long process. But I've come to the point that I have to do something now. I feel like I will always be wondering and regretting if I just keep putting it off.
I'm coming to realize here lately that I HAVE to do things simply BECAUSE I am so SCARED. That's when you know it means so much. I don't want to be stagnant. I want to be alive. And part of being alive is doing things that you want to do/know you should do even though in our tiny brains we can't fathom it. With shaky hands and bleeding, open heart go forward with it already.
So, I leave you with this quote:
"All men dream, but not equally. Those who dream by night in the dusty recesses of their minds, wake in the day to find that it was vanity: but the dreamers of the day are dangerous men, for they may act on their dreams with open eyes, to make them possible."
--T. E. Lawrence