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Thursday, February 16, 2017

Bleak Week

Thursday, February 16, 2017
"We gladiate but I guess we're really fighting ourselves
Roughing up our minds so we're ready when the kill time comes
Wide awake in bed, words in my brain,
'Secretly you love this, do you even wanna go free?'
Let me in the ring, I'll show you what that big word means."
-Lorde, "Glory and Gore"

This week has been a total battle of the mind for me. It does this thing where it turns series of thoughts into an existential crisis, and it's been playing on a loop for the past several days.

I noticed last Thursday, as I was finishing up my work week, that I felt incredibly restless the last couple of hours during my shift. This isn't an unusual thing for me, just something I've been working hard to not let overpower a contented attitude towards work. I then had a wonderful weekend full of the loveliest people and a good movie/tv binge and food-My formula for the perfect weekend- But it went far too fast and I found myself facing yet another work week. 

Let me clarify: I know that I am fortunate to have the job that I have. It pays well for a girl with only a Bachelor's degree in one of my town of residence's most useless majors (Chemistry). I work with some pretty awesome people and have a very understanding boss. I even have three day weekends, most weeks. But sometimes I find it hard to make that kind of stuff matter when my job makes me feel like some heartless/mindless robot and-since I have a flair for the dramatics-nothing smothers my soul more.

So here I was at the beginning of my week feeling pretty bleak about it all. I'm used to a tinge of pain come Sunday evenings/Monday mornings, but for the most part, I keep the awful longing for "more" stifled and under control. 

Not this week. Minutes, in work time, feels like hours, even days. I feel like my dog who sits at the window, peering out with her half swallowed cries, wanting nothing more than to run free. Gemma (that's the dog) and I are completely kindred spirits, trapped as prisoners and we can't quite shake the blues. She chews up all of our blankets. I eat all of the world's supply of cookies. 

I personally, mentally, and physically have experienced what it is like to be bored to tears. The tedious routine of the mundane can choke me up at times. I know it sounds over the top, but I just crave a little more from my 40 hour weekly sentence.

I try to keep it all in perspective, I am getting better. I know that my job is a means to an end. I realize most people don't have a job that gives them a fulfilling life's purpose-but it doesn't stop this girl from dreaming!

In the end it will all be okay. Really, it's okay right now. I have things in my life that I would not trade for anything (my husband, among other great relationships, for example). It's a constant battle-living a life that is content. But I will always fight for better while trying to keep a grateful state of mind. It's a tough balance, but you can not have one without the other. 


  1. Oh man, I hear you so much on this. I have a church ministry degree from a Bible college...try making a living with that one, too! So, by starting as a receptionist at a chiropractor's clinic right after college, I've managed to work my way up into accounting/medical billing without needing to go back to school. And it. is. so. freaking. boring. I have had many days, weeks and months of fighting for contentment while wishing for something more. ANYTHING more. It is truly a constant battle but you're so right - keeping a grateful mind is so important. I don't know how we'd survive this long without that!

    1. Oh my goodness! I didn't know you had a church ministry degree-that is awesome! I feel your pain!! I hope you are able to find something more- you are such a smart, talented lady any place would be lucky to have you.

  2. I COMPLETELY GET IT. Contentment is a major battle for me lately, and you know why. Plus, our culture is so hung up on "pursuing your passion" and making sure you love what you do, but how practical is that really? We still need people to work in pharmacies and enter data in computers. Not a soul on the planet wakes up excited to go to those jobs. Sometimes I get annoyed with people preaching that, because how realistic is it to be in love with every aspect of our lives? I think that mentality that most people have right now is making contentment even harder for the rest of us. If only we could all write, read, and sew for a living! (Though you TOTALLY could sew for a living! I just want to read...)

    1. EXACTLY! I've always been restless since college, wishing I could pursue more. And maybe one day I'll get to, who knows? I know right now though, I'm where I need to be and I only cause myself more pain in the pursuit of that "perfect life". You are so right- it's not possible to be in love with every aspect of life! I think that's why I've been more intentional about loving the things in my life that are going well.
      Girl-you could totally write for a living! You bring so much happiness to people with your blogposts, I know a book of yours could touch others as well. I was actually just reading Austen and thinking, oh my goodness, I love her wit, but Michelle has even more!!
      Also, I just want to read for a living too!