True Sadness

I am an extremist: Compulsive or lazy. Fearful or absentminded. Full of contempt or heaping out mercy. A few extremes can be good, but most are bad. Most having to do with control or the lack there of.
But I can't get over how the world just keeps on spinning and I keep demanding and things just happen at random. I put my hope in things that I feel could only make life better, but truly makes no difference.
My husband almost died on Monday. Or really any day; who knows how God is up there rearranging matter and time. But all I know is, he was in a wreck that some do not walk away from. Yet, God must have had more time in Ryan's purpose because he survived with just a few scratches.
Then, there was vacation bible school this week. All of the children. Eager for love. Eager to be a part of something bigger. There is one girl that comes back every year. I have heard from others that she has such a poor home life. Each year she seems darker and more drawn in and cynical to any sign of love that we might try and show her. I want to hold her and cry and tell it will all be okay.
Yet, through all the miracles, second chances, and pain going on around me, I want to hold on to hostility towards people that annoy me, I only want to help and love people so far as it doesn't get in the way of my own goals and plans. There is an ugliness and darkness inside of me that I'd rather just turn my head away from.
Even through all of my shortcomings, God pours out His grace. Because of His grace, I do not have to be stagnant in all of this flesh that never reaches for others or eternity. Because of His grace, I am encouraged to live my life for Him and recognize the flesh for what it really is. Peel it off and leave it behind me.
Thank you for your grace and love, Lord Jesus.

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