My name's blurry face and what you think

It's been quite awhile since I have posted here. I attempted to a couple days back and even published it. Minutes later, I decided to delete it. It just didn't feel right. It was a piece full of all of my current lamentations and even though I want this place to be real, I don't want it to be a center filled with all of my negativity.

Ernest Hemingway once said, "Write drunk, edit sober." And although I don't partake in alcohol, I find it pretty relatable. I don't want my blog to be the face of passionate, unnecessary emotion. I want it to be real yet maybe uplifting to anyone who would so graciously visit a nobody's pouring out of vulnerabilities. And although Blogland doesn't have to be a space of completely fleshed out thoughts and ideas, I would like to hold myself to some standard of accountability.

I've had some moments to actually breath and take part in some introspection lately and I'm finding out some steps that I really just need to take in life. I received a pretty hefty punch in the gut while conversing with Ryan (my husband) over breakfast today. I realized just how needlessly negative I actually can be. Let's just say it ended in him saying he doesn't even want to take me back to the diner anymore because, although we are conversing and connecting, there are many times that I lead it in a negative direction and fall just short of tears.

My pride wanted to slap those words straight from his mouth. But deep down, I knew. I have a lot of frustrations wrapped up in being confused about life and wondering "Is this it?" It has made my head-no my soul- a ticking time bomb. Ryan is not bothered by my frustrations, and is probably one of the greatest listeners of a husband out there,  but he had the discernment to see the state of my soul and that I am partly to blame. I commend him for  lovingly pointing out the obvious (in which I was blind), even if it meant he might be sleeping in the doghouse. He feels so many of the same frustrations that I do but he knows that hashing it over and over only makes things worse. In the midst of these conversations he always tells me, "well, then do something!" And I would get angry because the root of the problem was that I didn't know what to do otherwise I would have already done it.

Well, today, I decided to do something. Actually, to not do something. And as pathetic as I feel admitting this, I have decided to give up Instagram for a long time period. I would like to think, at least through the end of summer. I hate to admit how much control it has over me, but it does.

The latest cultural obsession is The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Yes, I agree, an organized, clutter free home is liberating. But a clutter free mind is even more so. I think of all of the times I scroll through my newsfeed and all of these images that become ingrained in my brain. Images of what I should be, or things I wish I could do. I hate admitting I am so weak and feel this over consuming need to produce a certain appearance of myself on social media. I think Instagram is great, in and of itself. I love having a feed to pour over past memories. I love being inspired by other people, their life "moments", their crafty creations. And even though it can be hysterical to think about all the work an Instagramer put into their stylized photo of their morning cup o joe-it is understandable. We want to find beauty in the simple and share it with others, hoping they relate to that moment in the same way -"Double tab to see a heart appear" ;) .

I feel as though, through all of the competition and comparison that just naturally happens on Instagram, we lose the point of why we do things or why we even take the images that we do. I want to take this time off to back away from that influence and sew/knit/make simply for my own need to create. Not for likes or the grandiose idea that maybe somehow I can grow my blog and fall in to some sort of career opportunity. Hopefully, find who I AM as an artist, not what I fail constantly to be.

I think it might also be the time to consider that I don't always have to take something and blow it out of proportion. That I shouldn't have to have a paid career in the art field or x number of followers to consider myself an artist. I have a natural affinity for making ambitious goals, because when I am in, I am all in. That I simply should just pursue life and it's beauty and be happy with that,  no matter what is going on in the world around me-not being consumed with the affirmation that I receive (more likelihood-not receive) on Instagram.

So...Here's to spontaneous moments and creative endeavors with no expectations.

1 comment:

  1. YES. So proud of you!!! I've been thinking about doing the same thing, because I feel so much better when I stay far away from Instagram. It bothers me more than I care to admit.